What Your Facebook Profile Says About You: Part One

Probably soon to be a “poser”…

A staggering 46.89% of Iceland uses it. 500 million people worldwide have it, which is 200 million more than the population of the United States. Facebook is obviously the name of this phenomenon, one to which people spend a large portion of their lives connected. An application exists which calculates how much time one spends on Facebook – something I have promised never to use out of shame. However, considering how much time people spend on this website led me to some interesting observations. People can write whatever they want about themselves on their profiles, so this might not reflect what they are actually like. I have therefore decided to compile a two-part guide to what your Facebook profile says about you, with this first part on profile pictures. Here are my observations from looking at my friend’s profiles.

The relationship photo

What it is: A picture with boyfriend/girlfriend, either smiling into the camera or kissing.

What they want you to think: Aren’t we a cute couple?

What it actually means: Hey look, we’re in a relationship! We will make you feel uncomfortable when you’re in the same room as us, and when you’re not, we’ll make you feel uncomfortable on Facebook by publicly telling each other “I love you baby”. No doubt the Gap Yah man would have chundered everywhere.

The friendship photo

What it is: Usually a group of women, huddled in a group smiling at the camera

What they want you to think: I have a group of good looking friends and we’re fun and sexy

What it actually means: I’m not the best looking in my group of friends, but you can get with me after you strike out with them. Which you will. Just look at them.

The poser

What it is: Almost as annoying as the friendship photo, this only involves one person usually pouting at the camera in an attempt to look fit.

What they want you to think: Wow, she’s fit

What it actually means: Wow, she’s a high maintenance, insecure poser.

The joker

What it is: Typically someone pulling a face in an attempt to look like a “fun loving guy”.

What they want you to think: They’re fun loving people who are a great laugh

What it actually means: “Jokers” are usually men who heard long ago that women are attracted to men with a sense of humour and are desperate for potential stalkers to think that is what they’re like. These people are usually desperate for attention after being bullied at school and are likely to take a joke too far in the pursuit of “banter”.

The photo where they’re not in it

What it is: a photo not of the person, but of a celebrity/cartoon/abstract landscape/hideous genitalia. Sometimes it is part of a Facebook viral trend (e.g. cartoons for NSPCC)

What they want you to think: I’m someone who has idols/keeps in touch with my childish side/am a really deep person/has been fraped.

What it actually means: I’m ugly/really ugly/a philosophical douche/forgotten to sign out.

Action shot

What it is: a photo of someone inexplicably jumping in the air or doing something active.

What they want you to think: I can defy gravity!

What it actually means: I’m boring, so I have to jump in my profile picture to make it look like I’m not boring.

Standard headshot

What it is: a standard photo of the person’s face, smiling to camera.

What they want you to think: This is me, simple.

What it actually means: This is the hardest to mock – so here goes: I’m far too lazy to have anything else as a picture. Plus employers might be looking at my profile soon.

The black and white

What it is: a profile picture of the person in black and white

What they want you to think: I’m an individual who has my own style so I don’t conform to colour.

What it actually means: I’m pretentious and quite ugly. If the photo is taken from a distance, I’m probably fat too.

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