I am sure many of you, maybe even all of you, know that on Sunday the ‘biggest event of the season happened’. No, we weren’t all given some money by the government, nor was it declared that the recession was all a big joke. It was in fact the Oscars. I – rather stupidly – watched it. If you would allow, I will now address Hollywood directly because I think they need to change and if no one else is going to tell them I will happily step up to the podium.
You see, my dear Hollywood, the Oscars are boring, really very dull. I don’t know who you pay to plan this event but either you forgot to pay them and this was their way of getting you back or they clearly didn’t know what they were doing. I know it is hard to put such a big event together, and I know your producer quit, and I know you tried very hard, but maybe the Baftas could give you some advice. Stephen Fry might be able to make it entertaining for you or even Jonathan Ross at a push.
When I was watching on Sunday I got horrible flash backs to those prize givings one had in school where only a couple of people won all the prizes because they had sucked up to the teacher. The Headmaster would have found some sort of joke on one of those make-your-speech-funny websites, except that the Headmaster was not at all funny, meaning it sounded like he had just gone slightly mad and had a mental breakdown on the stage. I think maybe Hollywood you should just give up, send them the Oscar in the post, and publish the winners in The Times. The actors and actresses will still have premieres to dress up for and they can just up the ante at those. The television coverage of the Oscars is some of the strangest television I have ever seen. Do they interview the stars about which film deserves to win? Apparently not – they interview them on what they are wearing.
So Mr Daniel Day Lewis, famed method actor, having appeared in such films as A Room with a View, The Unbearable Lightness of Being and In the Name of the Father, what are you wearing? ‘Well,’ he undoubtedly replies, ‘I am wearing a suit, it is pretty much the same suit as last year, except this year I have decided to wear a different shirt. But surely you would like to talk about my films, my acting methods?’. To tell you the truth Mr Lewis, I don’t think anyone cares as long as they know someone they have never heard of has designed that suit which looks pretty much the same as any other suit worn at this event. Only then are they perfectly happy.
Hollywood please do not take this as a personal attack. I adore your films, at least the ones where you have come up with the ideas yourselves and not ones from thirty years ago. You award originality but will not finance it, you spend millions on ceremonies that bore most of the nation. It is time for you to pull yourself together and start doing what you do best, making films which entertain, inform, thrill and excite the general public.