The Best Worst Films Ever

He’s holding an invisible coat hanger. Which is why this film is no. 1 on this list.

As a university student who does a social science as a degree, I naturally have way too much time on my hands. For some reason, the thing that I have chosen to do with this time is not learn a new language, or learn to juggle, but instead watch appallingly bad films. Films so bad that you question your entire reason for living, since you were able to waste two hours of your life watching utter rubbish. Here are my top two below, and there are only two – I genuinely couldn’t think of any other films in the same league of awfulness. They’re that brilliantly bad.

2. Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus

This film is the big daddy of giant monsters fighting each other for no reason. Other commendable examples include Giantcroc vs. Supergator and Komodo vs. Cobra. Obviously two extremely drunk producers thought it would be a good idea to make two random monsters fight each other and then signed the contract. After they sobered up, they were then legally forced to make this monstrosity. I hope that is why.

The film starts with the token “hot” girl in a tank top, driving a stolen submarine, taking pictures of whales. An illegal bomb is then dropped by a helicopter on a covert mission, which causes a glacier to break and thus frees the gigantic creatures. Why any of this happens is never explained in the film, as the monsters proceed to destroy all of humanity in the ocean. The creatures destroy oil rigs, ships, fighter planes, the Golden Gate bridge, and most memorably a Boeing 747. No, you did read that right; in the best scene of all time, one of the passengers looks randomly out of the window exclaiming “Holy sh*t!”, and then Megashark comes into view through the window at 30,000 feet and bites the plane. The YouTube link is shown here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jBizgLZX7W0 – it has to be seen to be believed.

To make this film worthy of being one of the best worst films of all time it had to contain the following; repeated use of same shot to save budget and lengthen film, CGI so bad that if a student turned it in as a piece of GCSE coursework they would fail, and acting so bad there are times when the actors look to be seriously evaluating their career choice. Everything is over-acted, the accents are shocking and no-one seems to be sure what the plot is. Finally, every film needs a good love story, and this one literally seems to be awkwardly crow-barred in as no-one (not even the actors themselves) saw it coming.

Impressively, this film is so terrible that it becomes really enjoyable. Nothing is explained properly, the acting is unconvincing at best and the two creatures seem to fight for no other reason than “they have always been enemies” – but brutally you don’t care, as it is a really fun film. I have now seen Megashark vs. Giant Octopus four times, and it never gets old.

1. Birdemic

If these films were ranked like a mafia, Birdemic would be the godfather. It is a film so bad that I challenge anyone to find me one that is worse. The director said that Hitchcock’s The Birds inspired him to make Birdemic, and it becomes clear very quickly that he obviously hasn’t seen The Birds. At least I hope he hasn’t.

The film has a cast of about four, all of whom are so bad that it is incredible to think that they are paid professional actors. If this film was a school nativity play, their parents would take them home and beat them for bringing dishonour upon their ancestry – and rightly so. The plot is simple, if completely random and confusing; boy meets girl, they fall in love and date in film time for AN ENTIRE HOUR, then have sex and then get attacked by birds the next morning. The next half an hour of the film shows them joining some survivors, fighting off the birds with coat hangers, and then the birds leave. We never know from where or why the birds came, or why they left; they just did. Actually I lie – at one point the protagonists meet a man, hilariously living in a tree house, who tells them its global warming’s fault. He then leaves to fight off some mountain lions. Yes, he genuinely gives that as his excuse for leaving. I should use that at dinner parties.

The true raison d’être for the film being so fantastically awful however, is the CGI. I compared Megashark to GCSE IT coursework, but Birdemic by comparison looks like a toddler has used Microsoft Paint. Badly. The birds are literally drawn on in 2D, and the actors have to “fight” them off with coat hangers. Coat hangers are probably the worst weapon you can find in a house, but it seems for these four actors, that it is the weapon of choice for fending off birds. The editing between shots is also so shocking that you hear static between each camera change for a good second, which makes it look like the actors pause to remember their lines.

This film has done everything right to make a true terrible classic. It has taken what Megashark had, and built on it. After seeing Megashark I didn’t think films could get worse. Birdemic picked up that gauntlet and has lifted it so high that I don’t think any film will be able to reach it. If you have found something else equally bad, please post comments below and we’ll see if there is a new reigning champion.

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