Putting the Pro in Procrastination

No failed revision session is complete without a gorilla suit…

There are two things that I hate about summer – bugs and exams. I’m in my second year now, so rather than partying for all of the summer term because it’s a 40% pass rate, I am actually revising. Or rather, procrastinating from revising. So what else can you do to pass the time other than checking Facebook’s news feed for the 23rd time in 10 minutes? Below is a list compiled to help you pass the time on one of your (if you’re like me) many revision breaks.

  • Create a photo collage of the happier times of your life. You know, the ones where you weren’t revising.
  • Go on stumbleupon.com – proof that the internet’s content is inexhaustible.
  • Play Call of Duty online. Extra points are awarded for standing next to a team-mate, and then shooting pointlessly in the air to give away their position. Hours of fun.
  • Dress up in a gorilla outfit, go into Tesco and just buy bananas.
  • Create a playlist for your iPod. It is a scientific fact that revision cannot be done effectively without appropriate music to listen to. Make sure you don’t listen to anything by Radiohead to avoid killing yourself. 0% through dying will lead to re-sits in August.
  • Download and begin to watch every episode of Friends. There are 236 of them. There are also 286 episodes of Two and a Half Men. Extra points are awarded for answering why this many were commissioned.
  • Check Twitter or BBC News to see whether Charlie Sheen has been ordered to be instituted in a mental asylum by his government.
  • Contemplate whether it is worth spending £2012 (yes that’s the price) for a ticket at the 2012 Olympic opening ceremony. Look at your account, and decide it isn’t.
  • Play Minecraft. Looks a bit like Farmville but is “much much cooler” according to my brother. Hmmm.
  • Write an article for one of Durham’s news outlets. Extra points are awarded for getting the same article published at more than one of them in the same week.
  • Message Purple Radio. Just by listening you will double their audience.
  • (From my mother) If you’re a woman, clean the house. No, I can’t believe she suggested that either.
  • Stand in a public place and openly rate people walking past out of 10.
  • Go into IKEA and hide in a wardrobe. When you hear people walking past, jump out and scare them.
  • Phone up the party shop in Durham asking whether it is a shop for parties. If they say yes, go in with a group of friends and host a rave.
  • Start an argument with your boyfriend/girlfriend. Topics for consideration – why don’t we talk like we used to, do you still love your ex, why don’t you look at me whilst we’re making love.
  • Try to balance on two legs of your chair. (The author does not accept liability for any injury caused through attempting this.)
  • Watch Kidulthood and try to not talk like a chav afterwards.
  • After watching Kidulthood, walk into McDonald’s, and throw the burger you just bought behind the counter yelling “I said no onions!”
  • Tell your friend that recent scientific research showed that people whose hands are bigger than their face have cancer. If your friend puts his hand up to his/her face, slap that hand into their face.

It is only through completion of these twenty points that you can well and truly call yourself a pro at procrastination. When explaining to job interviewers why you got a 3rd on your degree, show them this list with ticks next to it as justification. Feel free to add some more in the comments below, if you believe that you are the pro at procrastination.

Leave a Reply